When we think about what makes people friends with each other, a
number of things come to mind. For example, our friends like us and
enjoy spending time with us, as we enjoy them. And what is it we mostly
do when we are together with our friends? Mostly we talk and listen to
each other.

Conversations are the glue between people, the essential element in a
strong relationship. Relationships wither without communication, and the
very best form of communication is the conversation. Many parents fall
into the trap of thinking that it is their job to talk and their child's to
listen. Actually that's only half-right. It is also our job to listen and the
child's job to talk. It's a wonderful thing when a parent and child can
really talk to and hear each other.

It is important that parents intentionally seek out conversations about
sports with their athletes. Here are some suggestions for how to engage
your child in a conversation about sports.

1. Establish Your Goal--A Conversation Among Equals: A conversation
is something between equals. Kings didn't have conversations with their
subjects. They told them what to do. Prepare yourself for a conversation
with your child by reminding yourself that sports is her thing, not yours.
Remember that you want to support her, to let her know that you are on
her side. Your goal is not to give advice on how to become a better
athlete. It should be to engage your child in a conversation among
equals, one of whom (you!) is on the side of the other (her!).

2. Adopt a Tell-Me-More Attitude: Brenda Ueland penned one of the
most important essays on relationships ever written, Tell Me More: "When
we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. Ideas
actually begin to grow within us and come to life."
Adopt the attitude that you want your child to tell-you-more, ("I really
want to hear what you have to say."), and then listen to what he has to
say--even if you don't agree with it or like it--and you will begin to tap
into what Ueland calls the "little creative fountain" in your child.
"If you are very tired, strained…this little fountain is muddied over and
covered with a lot of debris…it is when people really listen to us, with
quiet fascinated attention, that the little fountain begins to work again, to
accelerate in the most surprising way."
Think of your conversation with your child as an Olympic event with
judges. A conversation that rates a 9 or a 10 is one in which the child
does more talking and the parent more listening. Set your goal before
you start, and go for it.

3. Listen! In many instances you may know exactly what your child can
do to improve. However, this is a conversation, remember? Your goal is to
get your child to talk about her sports experience, so ask rather than tell.
Save your tellings for another time.
Use Open-Ended Questions: Some questions lend themselves to oneword
responses. "How was school today?" "Fine." Your goal is to get your
child to talk at length, so ask questions that will tend to elicit longer,
more thoughtful responses.
"What was the most enjoyable part of today's practice/game?" "What
worked well?" "What didn't turn out so well?" "What did you learn that can
help you in the future?" "Any thoughts on what you'd like to work on
before the next game?"
Also ask about life-lesson and character issues: "Any thoughts on what
you've learned in practice this week that might help you with other parts
of your life?" Even if you saw the entire game, the goal is to get your child
to talk about the game the way she saw it, not for you to tell her what she
could have done better.
Show You Are Listening. Make it obvious to your child that you are paying
attention through use of nonverbal actions such as making eye contact as
he talks, nodding your head and making "listening noises" ("uh-huh,"
"hmmm," "interesting," etc.).
Listening is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child! Ueland
again:
"Who are the people, for example, to whom you go for advice? Not to the
hard, practical ones who can tell you exactly what to do, but to the
listeners; that is, the kindest, least censorious, least bossy people that
you know. It is because by pouring out your problem to them, you then
know what to do about it yourself."

4. Let Your Child Set the Terms: William Pollack, MD, author of Real
Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, notes that children
have different "emotional schedules" that determine when they are ready
to talk about an experience. Forcing a conversation right after a
competition (when there may be a lot of emotion) is often less successful
than waiting until the child gives an indication that he is ready to talk.
Boys may take longer than girls to talk about an experience, so look for
prompts that a child is ready. And conversations don't have to be lengthy
to be effective. If your child wants a brief discussion, defer to his wishes.
If he feels like every discussion about sports is going to be long, he'll
likely begin to avoid them. And don't be afraid of silence. Stick with it and
your child will open up to you.
Connect through activity. Sometimes the best way to spark a conversation
is through an activity that your child enjoys. Playing a board game or
putting a puzzle together can allow space for a child to volunteer
thoughts and feelings about the game and how he performed. This is
especially important for boys, who often resist a direct adult-style of
conversation.

5. Enjoy: The most important reason why you should listen to your child
with a tell-me-more attitude: Because then she will want to talk to you,
and as she (and you) get older, you will find there is no greater gift than a
child who enjoys conversations with you.