I have been asked to do a book about the role parents should or should
not play in the careers of their athletic offspring.

I began to research the subject in some detail because it has been my
experience that the popular consensus or "expert" opinion sometimes is
not as accurate as it appears.

First, I talked with the young athletes and found that though parents
often present a problem, the youngsters appear anxious to solve it. They
want their parents to be closely involved but without creating pressure
and without causing either a super-critical or an over-protective
environment.

Here are some golden rules,
1. Make sure that your child knows that - win or lose, scared or heroic
- you love him, appreciate his efforts and are not disappointed in him.
This will allow him to do his best, to avoid developing a fear of failure
based on the specter of disapproval and family disappointment if he does
mess up. Be the person in his life he can look to for constant positive
enforcement. Learn to hide your feelings if he disappoints you.

2. Try your best to be completely honest about your child's athletic
capability, his competitive attitude, his sportsmanship and his actual skill
level.

3. Be helpful but don't "coach" him on the way to the track, diamond or
court...on the way back...at breakfast...and so on. Sure, it's tough not to,
but it's a lot tougher for the child to be inundated with advice, pep talks
and often critical instruction.

4. Teach him to enjoy the thrill of competition, to be "out there trying"
to be working to improve his skills and attitudes...to take the physical
bumps and come back for more. Don't say "winning doesn't count"
because it does. Instead, help him develop the feel for competing, for
trying hard, for having fun.

5. Try not to relive your athletic life through your child in a way that
creates pressure; you fumbled too, you lost as well as won. You were
frightened, you backed off at times, you were not always heroic. Don't
pressure him because of your pride. Sure, he is an extension of you, but
let him make his own voyage of discovery into the world of sport...Let
him sail into it without interference. Help to calm the water when things
get stormy, but let him handle his own navigational problems. Find out
what he is all about and don't assume he feels the way you did, wants the
same things, has the same attitudes. You gave him life, now let him learn
to handle it, enjoy it. Let him need you on his terms - don't help him to
death.

Athletic children need their parents, so you must not withdraw. Just
remember there is a thinking, feeling, sensitive, free spirit out there in
that uniform who needs a lot of understanding, especially when his world
turns bad on him.

If he is comfortable with you - win or lose - he's on his way to maximum
achievement and enjoyment - and you will get your kicks too! In the
meantime, start to think of your child as a child, not as "my son, the
athlete!" If you do, the morale of the family will greatly improve.

6. Don't compete with the coach. The young athlete often comes home
and chatters on about "coach says this, coach says that" ad nauseam.
This, I realize, is often hard to take - especially for the father who has
had some sports experience or for the mother if what the "coach says"
refers to the youngster's eating pattern.

When a certain degree of disenchantment about the coach sets in, some
parents side with the youngster and are happy to see him shot down.
This is a mistake. It should provide a chance to discuss (not lecture) with
the youngster the importance of learning how to handle problems, react
to criticism and understand the necessity for discipline, rules, regulations
and so on.

7. Don't compare the skill, courage or attitudes of your child with that
of other members of the squad or team, at least in his hearing. And if
your child shows a tendency to resent the treatment he gets from the
coach, or the approval other team members get, be careful to talk over
the facts quietly and try to provide fair and honest counsel. If you play
the role of the overly-protective parent who is blinded to the relative
merits of your youngster and his actual status as an athlete and
individual, you will merely perpetuate the problem. Your youngster could
become a problem athlete.

8. You should also get to know the coach so that you can be assured
that his philosophy, attitudes, ethics and knowledge are such that you are
happy to expose your child to him. The coach has a tremendous potential
influence.

9. Always remember that children tend to exaggerate, both when
praised and when criticized. Temper your reactions to the tales of woe or
heroics they bring home. Don't cut your youngster down if you feel he is
exaggerating - just take a look at the situation and gradually try to
develop an even level. Above all, don't over-react and rush off to the
coach if you feel an injustice has been done. Investigate, but anticipate
that the problem is not as it might appear.

10. Make a point of understanding courage, and the fact that is relative.
There are different kinds of courage. Some of us can climb mountains,
but are frightened to get into a fight. Others can fight without fear but
turn to jelly if a bee approaches. Everyone is frightened in certain areas -
nobody escapes fear and that is just as well since it often helps us avoid
disaster. Explain to your youngster that courage does not mean an
absence of fear but rather means doing something in spite of fear or
discomfort.

In a way, the parents are the primary coaches. I have talked with many
great athletes who, in evaluating the reasons for their success, have said:
"My parents really helped. I was lucky in this respect." To me the coaching
job the parent has is the toughest one of all and it takes a lot of effort to
do it well. It is worth all the effort when you hear your youngster boast
(now or later on) that you played a key role in his success.